Mr. music confronted me tonight. Well, I should say mr. music’s flatmate confronted me with mr. music standing there. He goes up in front of the disciplinary panel in a couple days, and risks getting kicked out without being refunded for what he’s paid for res. He’s known about this for over a week now, so I don’t know why he came up tonight. It was right after one of my complaints. And I wasn’t the only one who complained, the security person got 2 calls before mine. But you know, it’s all my fault that this guy might be kicked out of res. Nevermind that he’s been playing the music when he knows it bothers me. Nevermind that I’m not the only person complaining. Clearly, it’s all my fault. It’s all because of me. Also, according to these two (well, actually, the flatmate who was the one doing all the talking) my flatmates don’t like me either. At first I just blew this off as another obvious falsehood, but it still struck a chord with me. I haven’t exactly been treated too well here recently, and there’s only one girl here who will say more than a word to me. I just assumed that it was because I spend all my time in my room, that they just figure I prefer to be alone. That’s not untrue, but I didn’t think I was hated for it. Then I realized, I’m out here confronted by two guys at 11 at night, and my ‘friends’ are all hiding in their rooms. I saw Ana scurry to Farah’s room when I went out to answer the door (I’m a long way from the door, Ana is right beside it). I’m thinking now that she went to get Farah so that Farah could ask me to go answer the door, but I was already there (Farah’s the only one who talks to me). Things were very quiet in the flat while I was talking to the two from downstairs. And then right after there’s a lot of scurrying from room to room, hushed talking, and giggling. But no one came to talk to me. The more I think about it, the more I see that I’m not liked here. The worst part is that them complaining to mr. music about me makes him think he can do whatever he wants, because he has backup from my own flat. And I can see a few times where I might have upset people here. Like telling them that I don’t appreciate it when they use my stuff without asking first. And asking them to move into a room when they’re talking right in front of my door while I’m trying to sleep at 3 am. And reminding them that we’re not supposed to have more than 10 guests over at once, that the common room should be booked out for something like that. And telling Vanessa that if she’s going to leave pots to boil for two hours then she should be in the flat. Yea, ok. Maybe they didn’t like to hear these things. But at least I let people know when something bothers me. If I have a problem with you, you know it. Silly of me to expect others to be the same. Silly to expect them to be responsible, or expect them to think of others. Perhaps I just act too much like a mother. But when you’re keeping me up, leaving my dishes dirty so I can’t use them, or almost burning the building down, I figure it’s time to step in and say my piece. I could see them being a little annoyed about me speaking up though. That’s just not proper girl behaviour. No, I should tell everyone but the person doing it that they’re bothering me, and exaggerate what they’ve done. I should give them the cold shoulder for a month, and expect them to figure out what they’ve done wrong. No wonder all my best friends are guys. Guys don’t play these stupid mind games that get you nowhere. The problem is out there, it’s dealt with, and you can be best friends again. Heh, sometimes one ends up with a black eye or a split lip, but that heals much faster than the emotional damage that girls do to each other. Yea, I know I do it sometimes too. It can be a hard habit to break. But I try not to. I’ve even been accused of being too blunt, because I just come out and say what I think of you. I don’t like all these games. Maybe I’m just taking the easy way out by not playing, but I think it’s the more honorable thing to do too. This brings me to my title. I could conform, I could be like them. I could fit in, and get them to like me. Frankly, it’s not worth the effort. I’ll stick with the friends I have, the friends that like me exactly the way I am. They may be few, but they’re true. And yea, I know I have faults. I have lots of them. And these people see them too, but they like me anyways. And they would have been right there beside me at that door, not hiding in their rooms listening hard so they could gossip about it later. I’ve tried the conformity thing. It was way too much effort just to gain a few false friends. This post may come as a surprise to some, because I’ve stated that here I’m more popular than I’ve ever been. That still holds true. At the moment my friend count probably reaches a maximum of 15. And that’s the highest it’s ever been. But these people all like me as me, not as someone else. So it counts for so much more than that. And it’s possible that those who dislike me amount to a higher number. Some of them haven’t even met me. But I don’t care, because my friends are true. Rather than kicking me when I’m down, they help to lift me up. And they’re always there for me, whenever I need them. And the part I like best, is that I don’t have to wear a mask to keep them. So yea, I could get my flatmates to like me. But I won’t. I don’t want ‘friends’ who will no longer be there the second I become irritable. I’ve even done their dishes before, just because I was feeling charitable. Clearly that didn’t matter to them.

After my talk with mr. music and his speaker, I felt like talking to the hall manager again about the possibility of moving out, getting my own flat. I was even feeling like going back home (yea, I was feeling that bad). But that would be too much like letting him win. I’m too stubborn for that. I’m going to see this through. And if I have to live with my flatmates, then they’re just going to have to live with me. And I’m going to continue to be myself. If they don’t like it, they’re going to have to be courageous for once in their lives and speak up about it to me, because the cold shoulder is pretty much exactly what I want from them anyways. I just feel bad for Farah. She’s going to get caught in the middle of it, because they’ll try to speak through her first. I could just give everyone what they want and move out. But that’s not going to happen now. At least now they have something worthwhile to gossip about. Give them a few points on the other girls. And get them off of clothes and make-up and movie stars’ lives for a day.

Just wish I had heard it from them instead of mr. music. And I wish people could be honest.