I’m finding that I’m having a lot of trouble motivating myself to work. This isn’t new, I’ve never been able to do homework until it’s the last minute. Thing is at this level it’s becoming a problem. And I have actually handed a couple of my assignments in early, so you could say I’m getting better. But not really. You could say I’m just being lazy, but I don’t think that’s it. I’m just not interested. And it’s not the case that it isn’t ‘challenging enough’ (the classic excuse for the gifted person.) It would be challenging, I just don’t see the point. I’m beginning to wonder if this is where I should be. I don’t mean in England, I mean in forensics. I chose it because it was exciting, different, and interesting because of the variability in the field. But the lack of options in the program, and lack of specialization makes it have no future. There are very few grad programs that I can take after being in this program. And I need to find a specific area to specialize in. I’ve been leaning towards genetics, but just because I’m good at it. It doesn’t really capture my interest. When I finally have a career I want it to be something I’m passionate about, but more and more I see myself heading towards a day-to-day job that I just do to survive. The best professors are the ones that are passionate about their area of expertise, it comes through in their mannerisms and teaching. That’s what I want, but I can’t find it anywhere.

I’ve looked at so many careers. Being a pilot, teacher, doctor, vet, lawyer, etc. I could do any of them if I wanted to. But I can’t figure out what I want to do. Near the end of high school I even strongly considered becoming an archaeologist. But every school offered it. I saw that and thought there’d be too much competition for the good jobs. And since it’s offered at pretty much every school it didn’t help me narrow down my choices. I was at the top of my class in the archaeology classes I’ve taken too.

Honestly, the whole reason that I chose forensics is because it’s not common and the courses vary so much. That meant that it’d be easier to choose a school, there’d be less competition for the jobs, and I didn’t have to decide on a specific area at the end of high school. But now I’m at the point again where I have to look to the future. I have to decide what to do with my life. And I have no idea.

I think this is part of why I can’t motivate myself to work. I’m not going anywhere, it’s not getting me anywhere.

Also, it seems my perfectionism is holding me back. It’s a procrastination technique. I never meet my own expectations anymore, so I just stop trying. And I never developed the study or work skills that I need, because I never needed them before now. Up until the end of high school I never needed to do homework. I excelled with minimal effort. Apparently it’s common with gifted people that this happens, and then when they need to put in the effort to accomplish anything they get discouraged and think that they’re not so smart after all. (I’ve been doing some reading on this today). But when you look at people who are gifted in other areas, like sport, they’re constantly practicing. That doesn’t make them appear any less gifted. But we seem to think that once you actually have to try for things, you’re not really gifted anymore. It’s silly, but it’s true. I’ve also been feeling a lot less focused in the last couple years. I used to be able to concentrate really easily, block everything out. Things were clear in my head. Now everything feels fuzzy. It’s like my brain needs a defragmenting tool, everything’s all mixed up and it’s not working as fast or as well as it should. I don’t know if this is tied to me not feeling interested or not.

I remember when I was younger, and I had this huge interest in aerodynamics for a few weeks. I don’t even know what started it, but it was all-consuming. I even went to the library and got lots of books about it, and read tons until I was satisfied with my level of knowledge. And I designed this paper airplane that flew farther and straighter than any other I’ve ever seen. It was weighted and had tail flaps and everything. This was so much more time and effort than I’ve ever put into anything for school. I want to find that kind of desire for learning again.

I’m also reminded of the last couple years of school. Back to the archaeology classes. I think they were the only ones that I actually enjoyed the readings for. This is likely why I did so well. I know a lot of it was the way the teacher approached things, and the specific textbooks she chose, but it made a big difference. All the rest of my classes are just work.

I’ve considered switching to archaeology for these reasons. I could see myself working on a dig, and getting excited about my finds. But I see switching majors as a big deal. There’s been too much money and too much time spent to get me where I am. Of course it helps that I’ve had some of the classes, and that major offers a lot more options than mine does, so I could probably do it. Or I could finish my major and then do my master’s specializing in archaeology. But then I’d likely end up working on dead bodies instead of historical digs, I don’t know if I could handle that. I suppose I ought to talk to an academic counsellor when I get back. But I also wanted to talk to all of you about it. There are people reading this who easily know me better than I know myself. What careers would I be good in? What could you see me doing? Do I have strong interests that I’m just not even seeing in myself right now? What lifestyle or jobs would be a good fit for me?

Even if you think it’s obvious, please tell me what you think. I need to know all my options, and how other people see me. I know that what I want is important, but I don’t know what I want right now. So don’t refrain from commenting for the fear of influencing me. I just need ideas. I’m hoping something that one of you says will spark an interest for me. Help me get back to the me who loves to learn.